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6. Pavement Scanias

Where have all the Routemaster buses gone from London?

I’ll tell you where they’ve gone - they’ve been recycled into trolleys for the disabled. Don’t you agree?

Well you know what I mean; I was in the supermarket the other day when this thing comes up behind me in the aisle, triple air-horns blazing, quartz halogen lights on full blare, tyres smoking as the antilock brakes bit - I felt like a rabbit choosing his breakfast in front of a Scania…… I just shit meself…… Luckily I was next to the Pampers shelf.

And what does the law say? You don’t need a licence! That’s right - you don’t need a licence. Thinking about it though, I suppose they couldn’t require a licence for the things really could they - you need to be able to see to have a driving licence, and be in control of your vehicle, and preferably have arms. You also can’t be steaming pissed without risk of losing it - but that’s another story.

I suppose I’m probably being mean, but it was all well and good when the things looked like a skateboard with a chair on top, had a top speed of 3mph and were no wider than a fat Labrador. But get one of these new ones on your tail and it’s like being chased down the pavement by a Pickford’s Scammell hauling a new turbine for Sizewell B. (Talking of which, when they plug them in at night to recharge the batteries, all the lights in the street go dim.)

But the law is, indeed, completely mad. My daughter got one of those electric scooters for her birthday and within 20 minutes of riding it up and down our road, got a bollocking from the police for not having an MOT, driving licence and insurance. (It’s a good job she wasn’t eating an apple or they’d have moaned about that too.) Not to worry - I’ll know next time. I’ll get her legs put in plaster, buy her a mini-JCB and send her into Tescos. Absolute ideal for shopping! No more problems reaching the top shelf - 14 cans of dog food in one scoop... Serve yourself ice cream… Pick up someone’s wallet if they’ve dropped it… Accidentally drop your own shopping at the front of the conveyor belt while everyone in the queue’s buggered off to hide in the Postman Pat wobble-up-and-down kiddies ride… I can’t believe no one’s thought of it before - it’s genius. Think of the damage these old grannies do with their umbrellas poking everybody’s eye out? That’s nothing! With a mini-JCB they can swing the body round to talk to someone they haven’t talked to for five minutes and SWISH…… take your whole head off at the touch of a lever.

You can’t halt progress - and you don’t need a licence. And like I said earlier - that means you can’t lose your licence. Just off now to get registered disabled - then it’s straight down the pub on me pavement Scania.