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5. Speed Humps

So the latest plan is to remove all speed humps. Yes - that’s right. All the painstaking planning and head-scratching in town halls around the land, working out the most irritating and stupid sites at which to place them, is to be wasted. Messrs Mahoney and O’Rourke’s shovels will be honed and sharpened to slice away the dreaded land-locked groynes and recycle them as Mr Smith’s new drive.

Who will mourn their passing?

1. The exhaust companies. Their business must have tripled since lower and lower cars met higher and higher speed bumps and daily competed with one another for that last millimetre of clearance.

2. The local authority’s highways department. What will they do? Take an even longer lunch break? (I phoned up the highways department at my town hall once. The bloke who answered sounded about 17, not that I could really hear him because there was what sounded like an office party going on in the background and I suspected he had just had the misfortune to be the only one near enough to the phone to reach it when it went off, that is without spilling his lager or losing his grip of the Director of Permanently Red Traffic Lights’ Secretary’s left breast.) Now they’ve ripped out all the roundabouts and replaced them with lights, I suppose they can fill their time ripping out the lights and putting the roundabouts back again.

3. Bus drivers whose hobby is motocross. (You wouldn’t think there are many of these would you, but in my experience there are!)

So, what stupid idea will the planners come up with next?

Well it’s obvious isn’t it. And cheaper. Why go to the trouble of building a speed hump when all you’ve got to do is fail to mend the pot-holes. In no time we’ll have very “calm” roads as everyone swerves around precipices the size of Cheddar Gorge, while the adventurous among us can utilise them for practising outdoor pursuits such as abseiling and, dare I say it, even pot-holing (ho ho).

Plus the councils are always telling us they’re running out of landfill sites. So, another problem solved - when the pot-holes are deep enough, fill them full of refuse then landscape them to look like a…… like a…… well…… like a road I suppose. Yes that would be just the job. It’s all save save save and the end of rat-runs as we knew them.

Acacia Grove can finally slumber in peace (I nearly said “rest”), while Little Johnny gets his crampons out and safely plays in the street, just like a hundred years ago. Bliss…